The Phoenix Must Burn to Emerge

A Week Off...

Or more. I just took a week off from my life. It was...OK. I'm not complaining; it was nice to veg out and mentally free myself from the burden of work, social formalities, and everyday constraints. But, I'm surprised  by how I counted the days until my return. I anxiously wanted to come back to my life...each day I felt more and more detached. It's an odd feeling to long for your life; it's when you know you truly love it.

Of course, even in my week off, I still found time to run. Running is my religion. It's difficult to explain. The closest I've ever felt to God is a clear blue sky and the quiet still earth being pounded by my running shoes. 

Ragnar

I want to write a post about the adventure known as Ragnar, but I'm still collecting my notes, thoughts, photos (and my teammates thought I was playing on my phone the entire time :-) ). I didn't merely survive - I excelled. Compared to the person I was who ran the course last year, I improved by 150%. 

I'm a highly motivated person; I would never have made it to where I am in life without a strong sense of discipline and a fire in my belly. But, I've run mostly for myself. When I perform poorly on a training run or even during a race, I've only had to answer to myself. Having  2 vans full of people, waiting on you to complete a 9 mile run, will give you an extra stride (or 3) in your step. You are not going to walk; you will ignore the nagging pain in your foot or the swooshing in your bladder when you need to pee. It's not about you. More so when you are the LAST runner in the van - the people in that van are waiting on you so they can eat, sleep, and get off the road. 

This year I felt a complete brain and body connection. I did whatever I told myself to. I ran a mile up the side of a mountain, maintaining a 7:41 per/mile pace. I can do anything. I've never felt stronger. It trickles into every area of my life - I can do anything I really want to. There will be no more thoughts surrounding my inadequacy. 

Shapes

A week off also meant a week off from social ideologies. Have you ever looked at your body for so long in the mirror it just became shapes...not something measured by society, or your own insecurities, or a number in height or weight or clothing sizes?   The infinite tool you can use however you want...the most important tool you'll ever possess. And we choose to continuously pick at our faults; to demean who we are. 

I have to start from the beginning to understand the end.

I wish I could talk to my 15 year old self. She so desperately wanted to be anyone other than who she was. She tried to emulate other girls (the wrong girls) to distance herself from who she was. She sought attention in the wrong ways...from the wrong boys... The insults people hurled at her about her weight, shape, looks, and general disposition were appalling. 

I grew up, and while the insults no longer  keep me awake at night, they've never completely dissipated from my memory. 

A girl's mistakes are different from those a woman. As a girl you navigate life by trial and error; as a woman your choices are dependent on your traits. I stand confidently in my mistakes. I still struggle to find courage, but I no longer cower to anyone, or beg for acceptance. While I can't rewrite my past, I'm constantly creating my future. I'm shaping my life each day into something I am proud of.  Every time I go for a run I am uncovering a buried piece of my soul- I am defining my inner strength. It has brought me to be who I am today. I've walked through hell and come back swinging. The phoenix must burn to emerge. 

Life is funny; the people who were once so impressionable to me have now faded to static; low background noise. They aren't worthy of a head nod in their direction, nor will they receive one. 

These are the thoughts that cradle my mind as I begin to drift away from my life. I'm proud of my strength. My tenacity. My drive to continue. I'm a viking; I'll go into battle without armor for the flush and blood of it... and I won't be stopped. I will use this tool, my body that I love, to continue fighting and growing every single day. Running has brought me closer to the person I have always been - to the person I'm supposed to be. Who else is lucky enough to have found something so powerful right at their feet? 

Ragnar post to follow...just a few thoughts I've needed to get out.

India